ALL THE FEELINGS.

We plan to share our whole birth story here someday soon, but for now, I only have the clarity of mind (and the free time!) to share a bit about this past week and our new little family.Our labor was long. It was perfect, wonderful, life-changing, empowering, otherworldly. But also long. And as we were entering our third night of labor, our third night of trying to sleep in 5 minute increments between contractions, Jesse and I were both in a sort of haze of delirium. I found myself on the edge of the end, miles past the line of exhaustion, ready to say out loud what I had started to fear: “I don’t think I can do this.”And through the blur of sounds, the voice of Linus came through on the radio station we had been listening to:"And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people... Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger."And that next morning, on Christmas Eve, we had a son.I am feeling all the feelings right now, and have so many things I want to say and people I want to acknowledge and memories I don’t want to forget, so just this:I have never felt such a deep, intimate understanding of the Christmas story.I have never felt so blown away by the miracle of Creation, which is funny because Jesse and I are constantly surrounded by nature and honeybees and sprouting seeds and all the kinds of things that keep you in awe. I guess when it happens inside of you, its just a whole new sort of amazing.I have never felt so connected to so many people - as I labored, I thought of all the mothers in my life, cycling through all their faces and then the faces of their children, trying to draw out strength from them and their births. My own mother, my grandmother, Jesse’s mother, all my family and friends and farmwives and millions and millions of women before me.I have never felt so nourished and supported. In the blur of those few days, there was potato and kale soup and toast, cold blueberries and glasses of milk, daal and frozen pizzas and broth - all of these things brought to us by neighbors or pulled from the freezer that had been stocked by those same friends and neighbors.I have never felt so proud of myself, for what I accomplished, and so simultaneously humbled by all the things I cannot do. I am learning to be gracious for the help, for every offer of kindness, for each gift. Learning to say “Yes, thank you,” and relishing in the luxury of being taken care of.I have never felt so much love for my husband. He is a champion and is doing so much right now, changing all the diapers and cooking all the meals and keeping the fire going and helping me go to the bathroom and feeding the pigs and chickens and cats and dog. I can’t believe how lucky I am, that this man loves me and wanted to start this family with me.But mostly, our son. My son. I have never felt so much of anything. Like I said, I am feeling all the feelings right now. He’s really the best and he’s perfect and I can’t believe it.Thank you for all of the prayers and support that were sent our way over the past week - they were certainly felt and gratefully received. I hope your holiday season is as full of joy as ours.- Hannah.